Three Things I Am Done With

March 23, 2025

Here is some great news - I’ve lived enough years to stop caring about a few things. These are things no one cares about but me. And yet, I’ve felt a compulsion to do them most of my life. Now I get to stop. No more shame. No more worrying about what someone might think.

First, I am done making fires in the old traditional way. I live in the northwest. It’s cold, meaning people make fires in their wood stoves or fireplaces. I should know, I’m a stone mason. All I do is build fireplaces and put stone behind wood stoves. Functionally, they provide heat. Aesthetically, they make the room feel cozy. Warm fires, hot chocolate, and a lazy sleeping cat complete the picturesque scene in my living room.

The problem is that making fires is a pain, especially in our wood stove which is a little bigger than a microwave. You can barely fit normal sized logs in the frustrating contraption. What’s worse is that after you finally cram them in, keeping the right airflow means constant intervention. I’m perpetually adjusting the stove door, fan, and cracks in the windows. Most fires require a special prayer asking God to keep me calm before I throw a half-burnt log through the TV.

When I was young, building a fire was a thing of pride. You felt good when that fire blazed. You were connected to your ancestors, and half ready to make it alone in the woods. But now, as a lazy dad with many responsibilities, I don’t make fires from scratch. No, I just throw a bunch of wood and paper in the stove, grab a propane torch, and light that sucker up until she is crackling without any fuss.

The second thing I’m over is the cold. Step outside of that warm living room in the winter, and guess what’s waiting? Many feet of snow and temperatures so cold you’ll freeze your cheeks off in no time. Most people around me love the winter, love the snow, and love the cold. They find joy in skiing. Their happy place resides in this season.

Not me. I used to love the snow, but now these cold temperatures make me want to move to the equator. This feeling manifested a few years ago, after learning I have Raynaud's phenomenon. It basically means the blood vessels in my fingers and toes constrict when they are cold, and without any circulation my extremities freeze very quickly.

I finally went to the doctor when it looked like I had frostbite on my toes. Normal winter activity had somehow broken down my body to the point it looked like I was walking around barefoot in -50 degrees. So my body is different from yours. I have to wear lots of layers and keep gloves and hand warmers around. I resisted for a long time because I thought it made me look like a wimp. But not anymore. I’d rather be warm than look cool.

The last thing I’m done with is lying to myself that I’m ok all the time. Yes, I’ve been a good leader at work and in my community. I love my wife and daughter, focusing my energy on taking care of my two ladies above everything else. I exercise, I work hard, I volunteer, and I try to eat well (pay no attention to that candy in the cupboard or snacks in my truck). Everything looks pretty good from the outside.

Then again, I’m also a total mess. The outside facade holds up well in public, but internally, there is a lot of crashing and burning. Sometimes I don’t want to leave the house, or do anything for my community. I love my ladies, but I worry about them a lot. And in that worry, I sometimes retreat into my own head and become kind of useless, or uncommunicative, which doesn’t make them feel loved. Seasonal affective disorder makes me more depressed each winter. Sometimes I fail to accomplish the goals I set for myself, or feel so disappointed by mistakes that I become immobile.

Normally, I just pretend these things aren’t happening.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we dump everything on everyone. That would make for too many heavy conversations around the water cooler. And I don’t think it’s good to drop emotional bombs on your friends and family at every dinner. What I'm looking for is balance. My dad (and probably your dad) barely shared anything as we were growing up. They were the stoic generation. But I would have loved a little more vulnerability from my dad. There are times when I wish he had told me what he was really dealing with. So from now on, if the moment is right and calls for it, I’ll be honest and tell you if I’m not ok.

Upon reflecting on what I just wrote, I realize that pride is the biggest thing standing in my way when it comes to giving these things up. I want to be strong, capable, and intuitive. I want my wife and daughter to think of me as that big old protective, grizzly bear kind of man who can do anything. I want my friends and family to know they can count on me. If I don’t make a fire from scratch, need a second pair of gloves, or admit that I’m actually sad, will all that stop? Luckily no. So don’t let ego get in the way of a happier life. Let go of those unnecessary things. And stay warm - it’s cold outside in the winter.