On The Road Again
How do you feel when finally arriving at a moment you have been anticipating all year? I couldn’t wait to experience something similar to my favorite stretch from last year - traveling with my wife and daughter. We thought our road trip to national parks was special even as it was happening. A few months later, we were still talking about those invigorating weeks. Fast forward a year, and I was getting nervous.
It wasn’t that the memories of hikes through mammoth trees had turned sour. In fact, time had only made the trip seem better. The whole experience was aging well in our minds; but that was the problem. That adventure had taken on a kind of legendary status. What if the next trip wasn’t as good?
When did I start holding onto the past instead of anticipating the future? The more I thought about this, the more I realized my real desire - to experience all my favorite life events over again.
As a young person, the past barely carried any weight. It was all about the unknown. What could I be; where could I go? What unforeseen episodes were just around the corner? Fear of unenlightened adventure wasn’t part of the equation. Just go explore, be in the moment, and see where boldness takes you.
Then a lot of life happened. I mean a lot. When I look back at the last ten years alone, it feels like twenty. My existence seems to be moving slowly, which should be great. There is still so much to see and do! I love life. More life, coming my way. At least, that seems like the right attitude.
Instead, I find myself dwelling on the past. The nostalgia wraps my mind in a warm blanket. Why does all that came before feel more desirable than the future? If given the choice between experiencing that amazing trip again, or flipping a coin on something new, my mind races toward the guaranteed joy of the past.
But it gets worse. It’s not just the experiences, now I want to be twenty again. Back when the body healed all ailments overnight. When the energy was endless, and the need for sleep was a joke. When all life was an open field of possibilities, stretching outward in endless directions.
Hit the brakes there old friend. Slow down, and let’s do that thing where you have a conversation with yourself...
Do you really want to go back? Don’t you remember how unintelligent you were back then? What about all you have learned throughout the years about society and the world, not to mention your own self. How about all the skills, talents, and wherewithal you have acquired. Remember when you didn’t know how to navigate from one city to the next? What about the maturity, perseverance, and wisdom you have gained from all those rotations around the sun?
Don’t you get it, to go back you have to strip that growth. The further back you go, the less you have.
Who you are today only exists because of the journey. You wouldn’t have this grounded, adult self without the past.
What you really want is impossible. You want today's mind and accumulated experiences to supplant your young dumb self. Today's intellect with yesterday’s youth. But that’s not how life works.
So let’s get really deep - those memories aren’t as perfect as you remember anyway. Don’t you get it, your perception of past events is coated with a thick sense of nostalgia. You aren’t focused on the boredom, immaturity, or embarrassment that came in between all the good.
Your life today is awesome. You have good memories, and that’s a blessing. But those can’t be replicated, and you can’t go back. And if you really think about it, you wouldn't want to. The only reason you gush about that trip from last year is because you are an adult who knows that all future experiences might not measure up. Life goes off the rails from time to time. There are no guarantees, but that is ok.
You also know that the world doesn’t crumble when it isn’t perfect. The next adventure might not rank as the finest, but it’s still an adventure. Be thankful for the unknown that is before you.
As I let myself speak some truth to myself, I have to laugh. He’s usually right. Especially now.
We’ve been on the road for seven days, and it might be even better than last year.
